A little life

As I sit here in my hotel room in Ft Smith Arkansas, pondering over the events of the day, I can only Thank God for how he has kept me in his care thruout my life. Just thinking about how we're all just ordinary people, with real problems, and difficult situations. We're all vulnerable, hurting, needing validation, broken, wanting love, fragile people.

There's been alot of people emoting, and human connection going on for me today.

IT all started when Andrew and I had lunch. I made a comment that Rocketed Him into a really angry state defense mode. I felt like it came from no where, cause what I was saying had no intensity behind it, We ended up in a real heated conversation about how we felt. My first inclination was to just leave, felt like I didn;t deserve what he was giving me, but God is helping me to learn patience, and strength, so I was able to apologize for offending him, and here himm out. Now let me say it was sooo hard. I felt unwrongfully accussed, but I had to admit to him I offended, and hurt him, which was just so heart wrenching for me. The most important thing I had to do, was not get angry back, not rise to his level, but to stay calm, and rationally talk it out, to be passionate, but direct, and think and use the right words. OH! it was just so hard, and so intense, I guess I felt it hurt to take all of it, like a bashing, but not aloud to defend, or retaliate myself. But we got thru it, together, awesome right. We actually diffused the situation, figured out where the emotion was coming from, and hear the heart of the issue. We left feeling closer to each other, and knowing more about each other. Though we both felt like there was this funky tight knot in our stomachs, we knew our relationship was stronger.

So there was anger, hurt, confusion, frustration, and we were in a restaraunt so there was embarassment.

Then we arrived at our hotel here, and saw that there was another bus like ours parked out front, hmm must be another tour we thought. We had a meeting right when we settled in, We got a new bus driver, and new bus, and the old bus driver was being terminated as the meeting was happening. ughh!, Now My stomach was turning again. My room is overlooking the parking lot where both buses were, and just seeing the bus driver preparing the bus to leave was heart wrenching to the pit of my gut. Even worse we had a time frame of when we had to switch our stuff from the old to the new bus. So now my pains of grief, were followed by more feelings of embarassment, and some fear of facing him, and just weird uneasiness, and sadness, with sympathy and compassion.

This of course is all being accompanied by the weather which greeted us here in Arkansas, or dreay gray clouds, and constant rain. The earth itself knew what the day held for me. The only good things about the day was the theatre is actually connected to the hotel so we didn't have to walk outside at all, and we were able to eat the crew's left over dinner. But after that I found out some news that is so detrimental that I can't even talk about it. So again feeling bad, uninformed, hurt from the lack of communication, and worried about what's going to happen.

Well the show was fine, standing o yadah yadah,

We decided to go out, it's been a rough day for alot of us, so we found this alternative bar that we could all go to. I ended up talking this 40yr old man, who has 2 sons, is not married, and the only people who knew he was gay were the people in the bar. He's from some small town in texas, and was passing thru on business, and has once or twice before. He didn't even know he had his eldest son til the kid was 18, and had his own son. Gees louise, this poor man had not even one close friend who knew him so intimately that he could freely talk about the issues he has to deal with, and the emotions, and lonliness, and pain he feels. He was telling me about the fear he had about his family and people in his life finding out this about him, and how so many people in these small towns live this life of hidden truth, and false relationships, uh it just killed me. Then there was this male/female couple who had both broken up with their same sex partners to be with each other, but how they both had 3 kids, well the woman has 3, and the man has 2 that are definite and 2 he's not sure about. I asked them if they were involved in their lives, and it was a kind of yes and no answer, but they both admitted how sad they were about the situation.

PHEEEWWWWW, what a day! Ok everybody, we've all got some pretty hard things going on in our lives, some crazy things that we can't control, weird things that are consequences of others, relationships gone awry, and just different life situations. Since we're all humans and have to face this stuff, let's just love....please?